- I don’t have the time.
- I don’t have the money.
- I can’t bear to see Mom/Dad like that.
In terms of time, “somebody who has both young children plus needy in-laws, maybe their own health issues and a busy job or something – the idea that they’re going to actually physically help in any way, especially if there’s a distance, might be unrealistic,” Bradley Bursack says, adding that this issue is something to ask about.
More often, she explains, the issue is a lack of time among all of the family members. “So, we can be better off with (saying): ‘OK, I live closer; I’m in my parent’s community. I will do my best to do hands-on managing. You can take over the financial thing.’” Many scheduling and other time-consuming chores can be done online, she notes. “So, you can assign things or say: What can you do to help?”
Lack of funds can be a valid reason not to chip in, at least financially. “Some people, quite frankly, just have better-paying jobs than others,” Bradley Bursack says. Traveling to visit or helping to pay for a parent’s supplies may not be feasible for some children. However, she adds, that person can still take on important responsibilities, such as online research or filing a parent’s income tax.
When a parent is losing ground – physically, cognitively or both – it’s hard for adult children to witness, and some shy away. “They hate to see this decline,” Bradley Bursack says. But, she adds, involved caregivers may wonder: “They don’t see it’s ripping our guts out, too?”
Some people may be more emotionally equipped to handle a parent’s physical or mental decline than others. It can be helpful to seek out support, such as individual counseling or joining a support group for long-distance caregivers.
Play to Each Sibling’s Strengths
Almost everyone has what it takes to pitch in with at least one or two essential caregiving aspects.
“Play to your strengths,” O’Donnell says. “We all have them. We’re all different as siblings, so any way you can farm (tasks) out and everyone has a role, then there’s less frustration.”
One sibling may be quick to forge ahead with communicating with health care providers, making decisions, mobilizing resources and working out caregiving logistics, says O’Donnell, who instinctively took on those roles along with hands-on caregiving. Eventually, she realized it was “magical thinking” to expect her sisters to work at her pace or to look at matters exactly as she did. Instead, one sister took on long-term, sensitive projects. And the other put her talkative nature to work.
“I was never the daughter who wanted to call my parents every night,” O’Donnell says. “So, (my sister’s) role became: You call them and chat with them every night. And if you hear anything, feed it back to me. But I’m going to go all day long and meet with the elder law attorney, and talk to the doctors and run the errands. And at the end of the night, I want to go home and be with my husband and kids. I don’t want to be on the phone.”
Miller notes: “We all have different strengths. My oldest sister is the nurturer – she’s a wonderful caregiver. I’m a better caregiver cheerleader and more of a tough-love kind of person.” Each of her siblings brings different capabilities to the table, she says.
Walk in Your Sibling’s Shoes
“Families are more dispersed now than they have ever been,” O’Donnell says. “Tensions can easily arise between the local caregiver and the long-distance caregiver.”
Clearing the air and some mutual empathy can make the way smoother. “It’s really helpful if those two roles can have some compassion for each other or really try to listen to each other,” O’Donnell says. For instance, the local sibling may become gradually accustomed to a parent’s physical and mental changes – but it’s an abrupt shock for the other sibling.
“Maybe the long-distance caregiver comes into town for the holidays and observes a massive decline, but the local caregiver isn’t seeing that decline as much because they’re seeing their parent every day,” O’Donnell says. “Or, they’re totally aware of it, but they’re doing the best they can, and the long-distance sibling comes in and says: ‘Whoa, Mom’s really looking frailer than she used to.’ The local caregiver can take that very personally.”
Instead, O’Donnell advises, try to not take it personally. “Maybe it’s just a really helpful observation – or a not helpful observation, but their observation,” she says. “So, as much as you can, respect the other person needing to have a point of view.”
What Works
Nobody plans ahead to become their parents’ caregivers, and it takes time to make sense of the situation. Caregiving experts who’ve been there point to helpful attitudes and actions:
Even if you’re disappointed or frustrated with a sibling’s response, it may be worthwhile to stem the emotional draining and move on. “Just try listening to them,” Bradley Bursack suggests. “Listen well, and listen with an open heart. And try not to remember grudges.”
Connecting as a Family
How will you and your siblings feel about one another during the caregiving period and in the aftermath?
“If you can get to the point that none of the dynamic really matters, all that really matters is: There’s an incredible opportunity to show up for someone who’s vulnerable, and you can see that caregiving is something that can give to you, not take from you, then that’s where you can really start to connect as a family,” O’Donnell says.
Caregiving has made her family even stronger, Miller says. “My parents had that ingrained in us. ‘Blood is thicker than water’ and ‘nobody’s going to love you like your family.’” Now, she says, “we pretty much feel like we can conquer anything.”
Caring for the Caregivers
Lastly, it’s important that adult children caring for aging parents take some time to look after themselves. Goldwater notes that “similar to raising children, caring for aging parents can be deeply rewarding but also incredibly challenging. Be sure to find time to take care of yourself.” Make time for exercise, mindfulness or meditation practices to reduce stress.
